Movin' On Up

Underscore Marketing is proud to announce that it has reached the #17 position on Google under the search term "Snorklewacker." We're getting closer to our goal of implementing the first step of our three-step proprietary process for achieving financial success... 1) Achieve #1 ranking under search term "Snorklewacker" 2) ??? 3) Profit

Introducing the Invisible Conceptual Idiot Baton

Hespos.com needs an official award for all the idiots out there who deserve recognition. However, since funds are low for sending "You're an Idiot" plaques to everyone out there who deserves one, we've elected to make our official idiot award entirely conceptual. After all, it doesn't cost anything to bestow a conceptual award. Plus, we won't have problems with idiots refusing to accept their award by shipping it back to us. Soooo...

We are proud to introduce The Invisible Conceptual Idiot Baton. The baton will be awarded to the biggest idiot of the current moment. As bigger idiots make themselves known to us, we will wrest the baton away from its owner and re-award it as appropriate.

Thank you. This has been a public service announcement.

The Aquarium Is Up and Running Again

We've stocked the tank with a dozen carnivorous fish, which we are feeding a steady diet of frozen cow hearts. Coincidentally, we've also gotten rid of the "Sales Rep Be Good Stick" that we used to keep in the office. So now reps that quote us rate card, get unnecessarily argumentative, go around us to the client or engage in other types of undesirable behavior will be thrown to the carnivorous fishies.

Thank you. This has been a public service announcement.

Business Ethics Lesson: Intellectual Property

Apparently, there's some confusion surrounding the proper and ethical use of our intellectual property laws. Some basics...

1. If you attempt to patent rubber balls, knowing full well that you didn't invent rubber balls and that countless companies produce rubber balls and have been doing so for quite some time, that's wrong.
2. If you attempt to confuse the patent office by submitting a patent for an "amusement device with self-contained kinetic energy conversion and transfer mechanism" when you're really trying to patent rubber balls, that's wrong.
3. If you manage to successfully achieve #1 or #2, that's wrong. And if your strategy for business success involves waiting until another company incorporates a red rubber ball into a device that will be purchased by every American household, surfacing like a German U-boat at the appropriate time, and financing a Paris Hilton-esque lifestyle via exorbitant "licensing fees" - that's wrong.
4. If you have a patent on red rubber balls and you claim that red rubber cubes are also your intellectual property because red rubber cubes couldn't have existed without red rubber balls, that's wrong.
5. If you sell blue rubber cubes, and you give boatloads of money to the company described in #4 on the Q.T. in order to annhilate red rubber cubes from the face of the planet so you can sell more blue rubber cubes, that's not just wrong - it's low.
6. If you expect to be able to sit on your ass all day in front of the television, watching SportsCenter and eating Cheerios while the patent office makes your money for you, that's not just wrong - it makes the rest of us think you have entitlement issues.

Thank you. This has been a public service announcement.