FLUSH!!!

The president's cabinet, much like toilet seat covers, are apparently self-flushing. We've heard about the resignations of Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, Commerce Secretary Don Evans, Education Secretary Rod Paige, Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham, Attorney General John Ashcroft, and Secretary of State Colin Powell. Now it looks like Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge is gone.

Not a big surprise, we've known about most of these for a while. My big question is where Rudy Giuliani fits into all of this.

I've heard a lot about how the new cabinet appointees will be expected not to help shape Bush's policies, but instead to enforce them. If Rudy takes a cabinet post, I'll lose all respect for him. He's worked too hard and accomplished too much to simply become a Bush yes man.

Are You Part of the Problem?

Last week, I put up a post about how the online advertising industry needs another herd-thinning. It begged the question - "How do I know if I'm part of the problem?" Fear not, faithful Hespos.com reader. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, the issue should be more than clarified.

  • Does your company have two home pages, positioning it as an advertising agency on one and a media seller on the other?
  • Was your company's "Most Valuable Employee" last month a guy in Costa Rica named Benny who rotates his IP address every six minutes?
  • Does your business model depend entirely on a hacked Linux server in Beijing?
  • Does your employee manual contain something to the effect of "DO NOT DISCUSS WHAT IS INSIDE THE BLACK BOX UNDER PENALTY OF TERMINATION."?
  • Is your company named after a common misspelling of a much more popular website?
  • Does your workday consist of e-mailing webmasters of obscure websites with a "Got Traffic?" spam?
  • Are you fewer degrees of separation away from Kevin Bacon than from the advertiser running ads with your company?
  • When click rates on your campaigns are low, do you IM a clickfarm in Bangladesh?
  • When it's time to get paid, do the folks upstream stall you by saying things like "We're waiting for the client's client to get paid by the client"?
  • On your first day of work, were you issued a Thumbdrive with HiMailer installed on it and instructed to eat it if and when you hear loud klaxons?

My Eyes Are Burning! Must...Write...Letter...

Who are these people who write letters to the FCC about sexually suggestive programming that's aired after their children are supposed to be in bed? Read this now. Put all First Amendment issues to the side for a minute. If broadcasting over the public airwaves is going to be held hostage by a vocal microcommunity of people who are offended by the mere suggestion of sex, add this one to the top of the pile of reasons why terrestrial television and radio are DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.

Okay, now let's talk about the First Amendment issues...

One of my biggest fears is that, under the guise of "protecting" us from offensive or indecent material, the federal government turns the public airwaves into a "substance-free zone," in which broadcasters are afraid to disseminate information of any sort of value, or host any sort of debate about public affairs. Clearly, the government has exercised no prior restraint of content, but this scenario can easily become reality even in the absence of prior restraint. Levying huge and unreasonable fines will suffice. And that's exactly what we have here. Network affiliates are afraid to broadcast "Saving Private Ryan" out of fear of the mere possibility of being fined. Everything's being tape-delayed in case someone says or does something offensive. Shows like Howard Stern's may be offensive to some, but the bigger offense, to me, is that such a show can't exist on the public airwaves because it might end up paying out more in FCC fines than it gets from advertisers. Our content is being sanitized.

Before we all get up in arms and declare democracy dead because of the usurping of the power of the press, let's put some thought into this. Yes, Michael Powell (last seen trying to remove the Invisible Conceptual Idiot Baton from his forehead) and the FCC enjoy too much influence over content carried on the public airwaves. But why?

It's because the concept of "public airwaves" is completely outdated. Let me say that again, because it's very important, with appropriate emphasis:

The concept of "public airwaves" is completely fucking outdated.

You see, back in the day, terrestrial radio and television stations had only a narrow strip of bandwidth on which to broadcast. So the federal government had to issue a limited number of licenses in each terrestrial market to ensure that the signals didn't interfere with one another. Since a limited number of broadcasters could exist at any given time in any given market, the feds took it upon themselves to ensure that each station was serving the public interest. In other words, give us the time and temperature, test out the Emergency Broadcast System every so often, and give us a holler if there's a tornado coming over the horizon.

From there, the concept evolved into this notion of "community standards" with respect to indecency and obscenity. But the FCC's mandate stems from a need to have only a limited number of broadcast outlets serve the public interest. That's where it comes from.

Does this apply in a world where bandwidth is limited to a much lesser extent? Hell no! Consumers have all sorts of other media choices available to them: Cable television, satellite television, satellite radio, the web, the Internet, video on demand, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. The only thing the FCC's influence has succeeded at is placing stations that still occupy the "public" airwaves at a commercial disadvantage in comparison to all these other media.

So, really, it's time to put the FCC in its rightful place - issuing and maintaining broadcast licenses. If we don't do this, not only will we see continued erosion of First Amendment rights, but we'll also see broadcasters losing shitloads of money as more people opt to pay $5.95 a month to see boobies at the Bada Bing on HBO than watch Ted Koppel for free.

The FCC should be in the business of licensing, and that's about it. And if we can't solve the problem through exerting political pressure on Michael Powell and his crew, maybe we should take it to Congress.

We need an FCC. After all, if we were to completely privatize public bandwidth, we'd have so many crossed signals that nothing electronic would work. But the FCC needs to stay out of the content business. It should stay in the bandwidth licensing business where it belongs.

The Downside of Outdoor

baby_scotch.jpg
Blurry photo of a State Farm ad creatively defaced

One of the reasons I've been hesitant to buy out of home advertising on commuter trains over the years is that the ads simply get messed with all the time. If you've ever seen a Long Island Rail Road train with a broken door, sometimes you'll see that someone has performed a monkey-rig fix by using a piece of one of the ads to tape the doors shut so that they'll stay closed. Woe is you if you happen to represent the advertiser who paid for the ad.

But sometimes, the ads are defaced in interesting ways. Here's a really blurry (my camera phone sucks) photo of a State Farm ad featuring a baby. As you can see, someone cut out a bottle of liquor from another ad on the train and stuck it on the State Farm ad, so it looks like the baby is chugging right from the bottle. Funny, yes. Confidence-instilling for advertisers, no.