Hyperconnected E-mail Networkers Take Heed

You know who you are.  And just in case you don't, you meet the definition of "Hyperconnected E-mail Networker" if any of the following is true: 1) You've had an argument with someone you know about whether an e-mail you sent them is spam or not.

2) Every e-mail you send begins with an non-apology for the mass e-mail.  But, you know, it's the only way to keep your legions of followers updated as to your stalkings activities.

3) Your e-mails refer to simple buy-sell transactions as "partnerships."

Okay, now that you know who you are, I'd like to announce that the following things no longer work in e-mail:

  • Tracking pixels from your favorite ad server/CRM solution.  Outlook and many other e-mail clients block these requests, mainly because using beacons/pixels to track whether or not an e-mail was opened is a tactic commonly used by spammers looking for valid e-mail addresses.  Why they're still being jammed into sales e-mails is beyond me.  They don't work anymore.
  • Return receipts.  Same thing.  Outlook prompts users by default, so that any receipt requests aren't fulfilled without permission from the recipient.  Still, Hypernetworkers often request them with every e-mail.
  • Meeting requests of the form "When can I set up a phone call?"  Whoah, Jumpy.  Nobody owes you a call or an in-person meeting.  You might first check to see whether the person on the other end of the e-mail is even remotely interested/aware of what the hell it is you're offering.
  • Javascript.  Let me ask you this...  When was the last time you got successful delivery on an e-mail that contained Javascript in the body or in an attachment?  Any e-mail client worth its salt is going to reject Javascript in a Shaq-like fashion, usually accompanied by a "Get that shit outta my house!" type refusal-to-deliver message.
  • Delivery of e-mail from a questionable domain.  So you sent out a 1.2 million electronic mailing to "U.S.-only Small Business Professionals" as defined by the Romanian spam broker who sold you the list.  All of a sudden, e-mails from your regular account aren't being delivered anymore.  If you can't understand why, then no one can help you.  Get off the Internet now.  Eat your laptop.  Sell your clothes and move to Tibet.  No one will miss you.

Thank you.  This has been a public service announcement.