Yes, It Hurts

Okay, so the Red Sox won the World Series. As a Yankee fan, yes I'm distraught. But I'm not ready to blow my brains out or anything.

So all you Red Sox fans can quit calling me/e-mailing me to ask me how I feel. Let's just say I'll feel better when we come back next season with better pitching and maybe Carlos Beltran to boot.

For those Red Sox fans who continue to rub it in, I offer the following:

• I hate Jason Varitek. Varitek sounds more like a Canadian snowboard company than the name of an American baseball player.
• I hate Johnny Damon. Mostly because the "dirtbag look" went out with the 1991 Phillies. John Kruk, Darren Daulton and Lenny Dykstra could pull it off. Damon can't.
• I hate David Ortiz. I have a friend named David Ortiz who doesn't follow baseball, and he's probably running around at work wondering why everyone's giving him dirty looks.
• I hate Curt Schilling. Jeter should have bunted.
• I hate Pedro Martinez and Manny Ramirez. There's a Supercuts right down the street, guys.
• I hate Bill Mueller. Most people would pronounce that "Myoo-lur" but he has to be oh so frickin' special.
• I hate Tim Wakefield. The worst knuckleballer since, what, the Neikro Brothers?
• I hate Trot Nixon. He shares a first name with a synonym for The Hershey Squirts and a last name with a crooked president. What's to like?