Elevator Etiquette Lesson

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Many of the folks who use the elevator in my building need to be flogged. Some representatives:

  • The Lazy Ass - Uses the elevator to go down a single floor, despite the presence of a well-marked stairwell. Believe it or not, when I was at Y&R, they used to have to post a sign near all the elevators that said "If you are going up one floor or down two floors, please use the stairs."
  • The Exasperated Scatterbrain - Okay, so I'm riding the elevator up to my 10th floor office from the ground floor. Said idiot gets on at 7, walks over to the buttons and repeatedly taps 1, but the button doesn't light. Upon realizing that the elevator isn't going to go down until it's finished going up, said scatterbrain releases an audible sigh, as if it's my fault that the elevator has to go all the way up to 10 instead of taking them right to their floor. Pay attention to the little arrows, schmuck. If they're pointing up and you want to go down, don't get on.
  • The Gate Guy - There's a floor in this building where they have a metal gate covering the elevator entrance, and getting in involves punching in a code. I wish someone would just open the gate in the morning and leave the frickin' thing open. Instead, when the Gate Guy rides up with us, we have to sit there and wait while he jams the door open with his foot, punches in his PIN (invariably getting it wrong) and swings the metal door open.
  • Multiple Floors Guy - This guy sucks, plain and simple. He's carrying about 10 bags of delivery Chinese food. He stops on 2, gets out halfway, jamming his foot in the door to keep the elevator from moving on, and gets the secretary just outside the door to sign for/pay for the food while the rest of us wait. Then he rides up another floor with us. Lather, rinse repeat. So many times, I've been tempted to kick his foot out of the way so the doors will close.
  • Paranoid Pregnant Women - There's some sort of OB/GYN somewhere in the building, and there are always all these pregnant women going up and coming down. For some reason, many of them are seriously paranoid about being in the elevator alone with a man. I've received the most suspicious elevator glances from some of these women. And, as far as I know, I don't look like a potential rapist or mentally unstable weirdo. What gives?
  • "Oops" Lady - There's this lady who just started working in the building, and she keeps getting into the elevator, punching 8 and then going "Oops. That was my old floor at my old building." And then she goes to 4. Grrr...
  • The Linebacker - There are certain people who just can't seem to wait until everyone is out of the elevator when it gets to the lobby. They're in such a rush that they need to charge headlong into the elevator regardless of how many people (including pregnant women) need to get out first. And then they act all pissed off when people give them dirty looks or hold them up a few seconds when they're trying to exit.

Some of these might seem anal, but there's only one elevator in the building and sometimes it takes forever to get to me. (Like when I'm late for a conference call.)

An Analogy

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In discussing Jon Stewart (and all the ruckus he's creating) this morning, I offered up the following to Jim:

Jon Stewart is to politics what Carson Daly was to music three years ago.

Probably not the most perfect analogy, but note the similarities:

  1. Jon Stewart and his show are the focal point for the younger generation's understanding of politics these days. As much as we might hate Carson Daly, he was in much the same position vis-a-vis music a few years back.
  2. Younger folks are seemingly getting the majority of their political news and views from a single show on cable. Sound like the same function TRL served just a few years ago?
  3. Didn't music fans worry terribly about what would happen with so many youngsters being spoon-fed from one source? And what's happening to Jon Stewart these days? Everyone's talking about his connection to the younger generation and how much influence he has.

Of course, the glaring problem with this analogy is that Jon Stewart is cool whereas Carson Daly honks big time. But I think my analogy holds up in other areas.

I Love/Hate Stephen King

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...and not just because he's a Red Sox fan.

In 1982, Stephen King published the first book of what was supposed to be The Dark Tower Trilogy - The Gunslinger. My mom picked up this book at the bookstore and brought it home to me. I eagerly devoured it. King took a break and in 1987, The Drawing of the Three came out, which Mom again purchased for me, and I ate it up.

Then King took another break. In 1992, The Waste Lands came out, and I bought what I thought was the last book in the series, only to find out that Roland the Gunslinger hadn't yet even come close to finding The Dark Tower, and it looked like such a thing would never happen.

In Penn Station last year, I saw the next book in the series, Wizard and Glass. Since I was in need of a book to read, I bought the damned thing and when I finished it, Roland and his compatriots still seemed light years away from The Dark Tower.

Last week, I swing by Penn Books again and see a new hardcover: The Dark Tower. I look inside the front flap and King himself tells me this is the last book in the series. I look inside the other flap and find out that he's published two other books in between Wizard and Glass and the one I'm holding in my hand. Plus, the one I'm holding in my hand is Atlas Shrugged size and printed in that huge type my mom is so fond of.

Yesterday, I returned to Penn Books with only five minutes to buy the book and get on the train. I read the first hundred pages last night and am still riveted. And this morning, I find myself on Amazon.com, ordering Wolves of the Calla and Song of Susannah, just so I can get the complete story on Roland the Gunslinger and what the frick has happened to him since 1982.

This is why I love/hate Stephen King. And it's yet another reason I hope his beloved Red Sox lose the frickin' World Series.