Elevator Etiquette Lesson

Many of the folks who use the elevator in my building need to be flogged. Some representatives:

  • The Lazy Ass - Uses the elevator to go down a single floor, despite the presence of a well-marked stairwell. Believe it or not, when I was at Y&R, they used to have to post a sign near all the elevators that said "If you are going up one floor or down two floors, please use the stairs."
  • The Exasperated Scatterbrain - Okay, so I'm riding the elevator up to my 10th floor office from the ground floor. Said idiot gets on at 7, walks over to the buttons and repeatedly taps 1, but the button doesn't light. Upon realizing that the elevator isn't going to go down until it's finished going up, said scatterbrain releases an audible sigh, as if it's my fault that the elevator has to go all the way up to 10 instead of taking them right to their floor. Pay attention to the little arrows, schmuck. If they're pointing up and you want to go down, don't get on.
  • The Gate Guy - There's a floor in this building where they have a metal gate covering the elevator entrance, and getting in involves punching in a code. I wish someone would just open the gate in the morning and leave the frickin' thing open. Instead, when the Gate Guy rides up with us, we have to sit there and wait while he jams the door open with his foot, punches in his PIN (invariably getting it wrong) and swings the metal door open.
  • Multiple Floors Guy - This guy sucks, plain and simple. He's carrying about 10 bags of delivery Chinese food. He stops on 2, gets out halfway, jamming his foot in the door to keep the elevator from moving on, and gets the secretary just outside the door to sign for/pay for the food while the rest of us wait. Then he rides up another floor with us. Lather, rinse repeat. So many times, I've been tempted to kick his foot out of the way so the doors will close.
  • Paranoid Pregnant Women - There's some sort of OB/GYN somewhere in the building, and there are always all these pregnant women going up and coming down. For some reason, many of them are seriously paranoid about being in the elevator alone with a man. I've received the most suspicious elevator glances from some of these women. And, as far as I know, I don't look like a potential rapist or mentally unstable weirdo. What gives?
  • "Oops" Lady - There's this lady who just started working in the building, and she keeps getting into the elevator, punching 8 and then going "Oops. That was my old floor at my old building." And then she goes to 4. Grrr...
  • The Linebacker - There are certain people who just can't seem to wait until everyone is out of the elevator when it gets to the lobby. They're in such a rush that they need to charge headlong into the elevator regardless of how many people (including pregnant women) need to get out first. And then they act all pissed off when people give them dirty looks or hold them up a few seconds when they're trying to exit.

Some of these might seem anal, but there's only one elevator in the building and sometimes it takes forever to get to me. (Like when I'm late for a conference call.)